ICD-10 Thanksgiving

What comes to mind when you think of the day after Thanksgiving? Sales? Crazed shoppers fighting over the cheapest television? Furbys? I’ll tell you what I think about: sandwiches. I’m talkin’ awesome turkey-stuffed stacks, complete with Miracle Whip-slathered bread, buttery stuffing, and tart cranberry sauce—served with a heaping side of cold mashed potatoes. Because who really has the time to heat up yesterday’s potatoes when you’ve got a delightful sandwich waiting for you? Amirite? So, what do my day-after-Thanksgiving habits look like in the language of ICD-10? I’m glad you asked. It might look a little something like this:

The Aches

First, I’d probably get a bad case of R14.0, Abdominal distension (gaseous). All that turkey, Miracle Whip, cranberry sauce, and stuffing has to do some damage, right? But to me, a little bloating is a small price to pay for sandwich heaven.

The Pains

A few hours later—after my good ol’ stack has digested—I’m guaranteed to have some wicked heartburn, or R10.13, Epigastric pain. But that’s okay, because by this time, the turkey’s tryptophan is kicking in.

The Gains

All of that brings me to my next diagnosis: I’m showing symptoms of R46.4, Slowness and poor responsiveness. Inevitably, my general grogginess will lead to an afternoon nap. Score! I’m headed straight to snoozeville. Hopefully, I won’t experience F51.5, Nightmare disorder, upon my arrival.

After waking up, maybe I’ll watch some sort of holiday-themed movie for the first time this season—at least I thought it was the first time. Turns out, I’ve had The Grinch on repeat since the end of October. I guess that means I’ve got a mean case of F22, Delusional disorders.

__________

So, is it all worth it? I think experiencing some bloating, heartburn, and grogginess is a small price to pay for an afternoon spent blissfully devouring leftovers while simultaneously avoiding Black Friday sales. But, this year won’t be the first year I’ve indulged in a post-Turkey Day sandwich (or two). So, let’s hope I don’t end up developing K90.0, Celiac disease (e.g., a gluten allergy) come 2016.

Happy Thanksgiving!